Basking in His Mercy

Thursday, February 7, 2019

On this day, I showed up to work, all smiles. I worked just as diligently as I had my entire pregnancy and before, but my body was speaking to me, and on this day, something was significantly different. I was in pain. It took extra effort to move, extra effort to smile, and extra effort to treat my patients. Although I had to leave work early, I had done my best to push through as much of the day as I could. I had mild cramping, spotting, lower abdomen and severe back pain. That night, I was up and down, feeling achy and steadily contracting.

Friday, February 8, 2019

The next day came, and I was forced to stay home - I could hardly move.  I noticed I was contracting more with heightened back pain, so I ended up calling in sick. I was able to have an exam in my OB’s office and, while there, I experienced mild contractions.  After the exam I remember Dr. D saying “Oh, Tiera... you’re in early labor.” My cervix was 90% percent effaced, approximately 3 cm dilated.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

At 5:55 am- My water broke while in bed. I heard a POP first then felt the rushing waves of super warm water. My sheets were covered, my eyes were widened, and my husband was still fast asleep. I looked up to the ceiling and I screeched, “Oh my GOD! This is it.” I then tapped Chris, shook him, tapped him, shook him and said, “BABE! Wake up! My water just broke!”  I screamed “THIS IS IT! My water just broke.” Finally, I stopped leaking to where I could change clothes and gather my packed bags. And there we were... off to the hospital.

6:25 am- Finally, we were in the car, on the way!. We arrived at the hospital, I walked in, checked in with assessment and began proper procedures. I remember changing into the hospital gown thinking HOLY MOLY! I kept looking over at Chris as we both just soaked in the last few moments before we became parents.

The nurse’s words to me immediately before the routine cervical check were, “Well, it’s baby time, but don’t worry! You won’t feel a thing once you get the epidural.” I adamantly voiced that I wanted to see how far I could progress without the epidural, which by the look she gave, she wasn’t expecting. Her words after were sarcastic and something along the lines of a “subtle reminder” that this was my first child, and that within 24 hours, I would have a baby in my arms. Emphasis on 24 hours. I thanked her kindly and right then, I started speaking life over my labor, delivery, and the birth of my baby girl.

Approximately 7:00 am- Another cervical check, 4 cm dilated, transported to my room and embraced by my nurses. Tasha and Lauren (the RN in training), were so nice and accommodating from the very first moment.

Approximately 8:00 am- Things began to rapidly progress and unravel. My labor progressed rapidly. Within about an hour from moving up to my delivery room, I was close to 5 cm dilated. My contractions were gradually becoming longer, stronger and closer together, though I was still able to breathe through each of them. Chris was anxiously pacing. I was sitting on side of the bed; my nurses were attending, and finally, my mom showed up! Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths... moving through contractions as my body was working and preparing for baby. Had my mom and nurse not taken a couple pictures, I would have assumed my body skipped over this period. That is how fast things seemed to have evolved.

Approximately 9:00 am- Raw and uncut, foul and ugly, labor TRULY began. My contractions and the pressure I felt became stronger. My contractions lasted longer and with each distinct peak of the contraction, God extended grace. I called on Him, like never before.

 “Oh God, help me, please!” At this point, I was convinced it was tub time. I walked over slowly to the birthing tub, with assistance from Lauren and Chris. Monitors came with me and for one second I thought I would get electrocuted, ha! What amazed me was that, even when enduring the most painful moments, you somehow subconsciously find another focus. I began thinking to myself, “Oh no, not my hair!” Because the sweat was indeed real.

Chris ended up supporting by taking seat in the tub as well, holding up my hair, rubbing my back, and whispering words of encouragement. I can confidently say, my husband reflected the ultimate strength and utmost boldness. He was so brave in that room and during this moment. Holding my hands, rubbing my back, reminding me to breath. It was needed and will forever be appreciated. My mom was there assisting and followed my written essential oils protocol for L&D and started diffusing. When I smelled my oils, I instantly came back to level ground.

9:35 am- I wanted out. Unfortunately, the birthing tub wasn’t the most comfortable due to its size, though the feel of the water was soothing and indeed relaxing.  Repositioning in the tub (leaning over the side), didn’t even help... So, out I went. At this point, I became restless here, and by then, I was 6cm dilated.  I remember looking over, at this point, to see Chris standing beside me, soaking wet and shivering. He was either willing to inhabit wet clothes or would eventually get a change of clothes but did not want to leave my side. Tasha ended up getting him a pair of scrub pants to wear the remaining of the labor/delivery, and you best believe – that’s what he wore the rest of the day.

10:05 am- I got back in the bed for the purposes of resting my back. I felt an increasing amount of indescribable pressure. Tasha placed the birthing ball in between my legs to increase comfort and relieve some back pain and with hopes to decrease pelvic pressure by spreading my hips. This moment was so real.

This was the moment I began to think, why in the world would I choose this route? The faces I made. The words I said. Outwardly, I didn’t even know who I was. Although inwardly, I felt so close to the Father with trust solely in Him. I labored in bed on my side with the birthing ball positioned for roughly an hour. Chris was right there – holding my hand, rubbing my back, reminding me to breath, forcing ice chips for hydration needs and strawberries for nutrition/to fuel my uterus.

11:00 am- Back to the bathroom I walked. Yes, I walked. I sat on the toilet because I remember feeling so much pressure, as if I had to use the restroom. I labored there for 30 minutes, and a few times I pushed slightly as my body was telling me to do so. By 11:30am, I was back on side of the bed. Seated upright, I had my face buried in Chris’s chest. I was so fatigued. My mom placed a cold rag on my back and Chris, one hand on my mid-back for support. Oils were applied and more were diffused. Prayers were going up and tears were falling down. As this happened, my mom chimed, “So when will you give her the epidural?”

12 pm- I was lying down with another (smaller) birthing ball in between my legs. Same exact routine repeated – oils, prayers, tears, cold rag, back support, switching positions, fueled by whatever my husband shoved in my mouth. I remember wanting ice, so bad!

1 pm- I was about 8-9 cm dilated. Contractions were intense and so strong with multiple intense peaks lasting for what seemed like forever. I felt pressure in my back and rectum area like never before. Tasha encouraged I let gravity assist by switching positions to all fours, so there I went. On all fours, with bodies of support surrounding me.

I ended up having to use the restroom because I felt the urge to bear down and push. Rocking and swaying back and forth on all fours, I knew something was about to happen. With my stepmom’s mother’s wooden cross in hand, I was brought to tears, overwhelmed knowing that physically He was near. Jesus was so close to me in this very moment. I remember looking at Chris, my eyes swelling with tears, and I spoke words of defeat. I remember hearing him singing, “...You are my strength...strength like no other... strength like no other reaches to me.”  He reminded me, at that moment, to sing the song that was in my spirit and to yield to the spirit.

At 6-7 cm dilated, things got intense. Contractions leading up to that point were mild to moderate — I moved through them one at a time utilizing deep diaphragmatic breaths, squeezing Chris’ hand, one moan and groan at a time. I was able to rationally think through my techniques and even talk to Chris with sense and a sound mind.

However, here at 8-9cm dilated my reactions shifted and were a little more trivial — my words were shallow. “Babe, I cannot do this” …. “Why did I decide to do this?”….. “This hurts so bad”.  Chris’ responses though were not shallow — in fact, they were the furthest from superficial. Each time I said, “Babe, I cannot do this...” he made eye contact with me and requested clarification.

“You can’t or you don’t want to?” he wanted clarification.

 My answer was, “I can’t.”

His unchanging response was, “Yes you can.” I will cling to those words forever. His continual verbal encouragement were giving me small doses of grace and strength.

1:10 pm- So here I was. Speaking life over my body. Completely dilated and effaced with an overwhelming urge to push, doubting myself so badly in this moment. I was on my back with no strength, sporting an afro, because my curls were completely gone from sweat and activity. Looking back, I consider that my curls had “labored” too. It was time to push, but physically, I was done. I could not hold my legs up, could barely breathe or catch my breath.

I felt so weak and fatigued, but I had amazing support. Verbal encouragement was at an all-time high. My husband, my mom, my mother-in-law, my nurses all were encouraging me. And, my dad, step-mom, step-dad, sisters and a host of family and friends in the waiting room. I remember begging for an epidural here, feeling like no one would listen and that the nurses were not considering my wishes. But they were and they had, my wishes were for a natural labor and delivery.

In fact, my nurse wasn’t sure how important a natural delivery was to me – so she pulled Chris aside and asked him, “How important is a natural delivery to her?” To which he confidently responded, “Very!” At that point, they knew I could – but I doubted myself so badly and underestimated my true abilities. I voiced my doubt through words, but inwardly I was praying for a miracle. I was beat and torn and wanted to give up physically, but within this, I declared strength and victory. I knew something great and mighty was happening. I knew I was becoming.

1:15 pm- I felt Jesus so near to me, but I even felt He wasn’t listening. So I stopped pushing. I kept hearing, “You’ve got this Tiera... you’re so close... she’s right there... PUSH TIERA. Push, push, push. Are you ready to meet her?” At this moment I knew I was close. Tasha convinced Chris to take a peek, as the baby’s head was crowning. The overwhelming urges to push, came like rushing wind but being so fatigue, I struggled. I knew I wasn’t giving it my all, not because I didn’t want to, but because physically, I felt as though I couldn’t. Again, I asked for the epidural. Breakthrough was near.

Again, Chris asked, “You don’t want to, or you can’t?”

With the voice of defeat, “I CAN’T!”

He unyieldingly said, “Yes you can!” and redirected my focus. My mom was filming, Chris was holding one leg while dabbing my forehead with a cool rag. My MIL holding the other leg. Tasha was waiting patiently with a glorious view, pushing on the uterus, encouraging me to pull my legs back and place my chin in my chest and PUSH. I had no strength.

Swiftly, in came Dr. Whitaker. Placing my right arm under my leg, suddenly, I felt a supernatural strength. I literally spoke life to my uterus, and I said to myself, “Tiera, PUSH! You must push this baby out. No one else will! Only you can!” Then my words to God, “Lord, give me strength!”

Hard, ugly, deep, moaning, monster sounding pushes—my eyes rolling in the back of my head... 1... 2... “She’s right there! C’mon Tiera!” 3... 4... a giant scream and there she came!

1:20 pm- Alivia was born. We delayed cord clamping, giving time for blood to continue to flow and ease through the umbilical cord. Chris cut the umbilical cord and in came Dr. Dickerson, just missing the birth by merely seconds. On my chest, there she rested. I marveled at her beauty and all that I had proved through this experience – all that I had accomplished, by faith and believing.

Alivia Grace Hillman, 6 lbs., 12 oz of pure perfection. Born February 10, 2019 at 1:20 pm.
Indescribable. Empowering. Supernatural. Life changing. Surreal. Amazing. Divine. The birth of our Alivia Grace Hillman. Seven total hours, an unmedicated and natural labor and delivery. I have no words other than... Grace. God’s favor, His mercy, Holy Spirit, guidance, strength and power was with and upon me. I am forever changed as a woman. We are forever changed as Christians, husband and wife, and now parents. It’s like I could feel the King of the world holding onto me, and my ever being clinging on to Him. He held me in His hands, and now I am holding a part of Him in mine... forever.
Discharge Day

I couldn’t stop basking in how gratifying the experience was, and I couldn’t stop gazing at her.  As Chris went down to load the car and prepare the car seat for our discharge, I remember looking out of my window, at the streaming waters of the hospital pond. I thought to myself and wrote in my notes: “Through it all... Through it all... I’ve learned to trust in Jesus. I’ve learned to trust in God. Through it all... Through it all, I’ve learned to depend upon His word. I am a new person, new creature. I spread my wings in that delivery room. And here I am, a new mother. I have evolved. I have become. I am blessed.”

Instantly, then, I grabbed that wooden hand cross, which fit like a puzzle piece in my hand. I began to sob. Overwhelmed with so much gratitude and thankfulness, I thought of life past this day, and all that it would be. Through the highs and lows, I vowed to always cling to the old rugged cross.

That night, we paid a visit to Rene’ and our fellow birthing classmates as they were engaging and participating in the last class of our birthing series. We were able to share my labor and birth experience, and I was so honored to be able to see them all once more and encourage the ladies in the class.

Take-a-ways for other expecting or pursuing moms:
Have your mantras ready to go.
Have your essential oils ready to go.
God’s grace is sufficient.
Evidence empowers – educate and take classes.
Have mantras on standby and embedded in your spirit. Be courageous.
Don’t be afraid of being silenced or judged.
You were made for this.
Pain is temporary, life lessons are there to stay. The pain is all consuming... but oh, the joy!

Closing remarks:
My intent is not to discourage. I respect those with a different story, plan, or turnout. My purpose for writing is to simply remember and encourage. In reading this, I want God’s name to be the one people remember. This is my story, for His glory. With Love, Tiera